Thank youAnother visit. My late twin brother, Jacob was in my dreams again. I haven’t ‘seen’ him in a while. Once again, he appears when I need him most. I've been stressed and kind of unsure about how to deal with some things going on in my life at the moment. We didn't speak in my dream; we never have to, though he has before. We just sat across from one another and ‘spoke’ the language only we understand for the entire night. It’s a silent language that means more to me than any verbal conversation a person could give me. As always, he held a blue glow that was as vibrant as ever. He held his never faltering smile and ‘told’ me if I listened to him, I would be fine. Before I woke up, I apologized again. I apologized for being too weak to be sure we could both be sustained in our time in our mother’s womb; for being born without him and leaving him behind. As he always has, he told me it wasn't my fault. Conscious of it or not, I took hisThank you by grandpatoenail
I was sure to say a final goodbye to Indi for everyone who wanted me to before I finally buried him yesterday, in the country. Now that my head is clearer and I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ve lost one of my birds and also that I know Zulu will be okay, I’m finally able to focus on one thing at a time. I’ve had to sort through many things being thrown at me these past few weeks and I felt like I needed to shed some tears but when Indi got sick, I refused to since I know my negative emotions effect my pets and it’s a rule I use in ALL of my training; never let your emotions harm your pet’s progression. I say it to EVERY person I help with their pet’s behavior. If you want a sad pet, show that you’re sad. If you want an angry one, show your anger. If you want a confident companion, be confident and handle the situation. This past weekend up until now, I was honestly concerned for my mental health; not just because of Indi, of course but so much piled on top of the rest and changed every second. My online friends here and on Facebook, Skype, Twitter; EVERYWHERE, have been my place to talk and find comfort. It’s been years since I felt the way I did last night. I wasn’t sure if I was going to cry, vomit, scream, pass out, or what but my head just would not stop. I found out that people with Aspergers tend to panic a bit with change; even little things. I thought about it and realised if I don’t have some kind of plan for what’s going to happen or where I‘m headed, I panic. So, I now know moving without a choice, not knowing what I have planned for the future and just having the rug ripped out from under me would make anyone panic. Let alone, someone with Aspergers. I was anxious about the move but then Indi’s illness added. Then it was a game of ping pong in my head. “What will I do if I need to get away from my cousins at Lisa’s? Will I be able to afford to move Price to the better barn? Will Indi survive this? If not, can I take him to the vet?(that answer was back and forth to yes and no many times) If not, do I have to kill him? If so, how will I do it so he doesn’t suffer? Am I horrible for looking up a way to kill him? Will these ways work? Will Zulu be okay or will she die as well, from the loss, like some birds? Will I be able to make money if I live at my aunt’s? Will I have to stop volunteering? Will dad’s new job be too hard on him? Will my brother be able to take care of his girlfriend and my niece?” These are only a few of the questions that went through my head each day. Needless to say, stress piled on pretty fast. All I can remember from the long drive home last night was my head ache, wanting to rip my earrings straight out of my ears, scream, puke, take a bat to the car, and a billion other things. I can’t remember having a breakdown like that. I was quiet the whole drive but my head was swimming with nothing but dead ends. Then I heard one little word in my head; ‘Paradise’. After thinking of that one word, I forced my thoughts to just stop for a moment and remember. The life I have is not just my own. It’s also my brother, Jacob’s. I closed my eyes and pictured him smiling at me. All of a sudden, the pressure in my head lessened. I began taking the layers of stress off one by one and dealing with them one at a time, like paperwork in my head. I removed the stress of Indi’s illness and worry of his death since he’d already passed and he was no longer in pain. I told myself I could cry about that once I’d sorted the rest out. I then got rid of any layers that I had no control over. If something bad is going to happen, stressing about it when more stress isn’t needed won’t do me any good. If it’s going to happen, it will. I’ll care but I won’t panic before anything has even happened. Zulu is showing great signs that she will be just fine. While she is confused and kind of looks for Indi, she still grooms herself, eats, sleeps, and drinks. She isn’t too playful at the moment but who can blame her? If I need time away from the crowd at my aunt’s, I’ll just grab my camera and go take some shots of the nature up there or go see my horse. If dad gets hurt from overworking himself, we’ll deal with that then. To prevent what I can, I’ll send him health supplements and a first aid kit to ease my mind, like a parent gives their child money or a lunch for school to ease their worry for their child’s hunger. If anything happens with my brother and his girlfriend, I know my family is far too loving to let anything happen to Peyton and that we would take her in a split second if her parents honestly couldn’t do it on their own. I have peeled back layer after layer and I finally have the basic ones that are within my ability to change for the better. “Will I be able to make money for myself in the country?” Yes. It has been my goal to reach the country for years(just not in this way, that’s for sure) and I’ll use this opportunity to build the massage therapy business I was going to start here in the city. “Am I a bad person for looking up how to kill Indi?” No. I know I was looking it up to find an alternative to him wasting away in such a painful way. I found the answers to most of the questions I asked myself to be nothing to fear. I have a future up there; I just couldn’t see it past all my own panic. I will build my rescue ranch up there one step at a time, starting with massage therapy to save up.
Well, I just put Indi down. It was nice and quiet for him. The women were very kind and understanding about everything too. R.I.P, big guy
They said they don’t normally let the owner watch, just in case they get distressed but they were kind enough to let me be there when I explained I needed the confirmation that he went peacefully after everything he’s been through and that I understood how the procedure went. It may sound terrible but watching him be put down was much easier than any of the other options I’d had the past few days because I knew he was in the hands of obviously caring vets, and mine own, in a deep sleep. After taking him out from under the gas mask, they made sure he was asleep, then gently put him on his back to inject him. It took 3 shots since he was healthy, other than his paralysation. They said he was a tiny bit thin for a lovebird too so we’re guessing he was sick but I didn’t know. Indi was always smaller than Zulu but had tons of energy and was very chipper so illness never showed. He ate normally as well. We think whatever was causing his lack of muscle also caused his paralysis. It was hard to watch, but I’m glad I was in the room when he died because I didn’t just want to ASSUME he went quietly and comfortably. I needed to make sure he did. I just held the mask over him, wrapped his towel around the mask to block out anything in the room that would scare him, and whispered to him and pretended I was going to nap by closing my eyes. He eventually did too and the rest is pretty understandable. A 30 second sleep, 3 needle pokes, and he was finally gone. I’m sad he’s gone but glad he won’t just wither away on the bottom of his cage for a week. I couldn’t let that happen. I’d rather someone just inject me for a deep sleep then kill me, than to die of starvation or dehydration.
Zulu’s confused as to why I didn’t come home with him in my hands, like when I left (he’s in a box that I will be burying him in tomorrow, up at my aunt’s, since I will be moving there.) I let her out of her cage and she went straight onto his to see him like every other day but she got really distressed when she couldn’t find him so I picked her up, gave her a treat to munch on, and played some of her happy music to keep her mind off of it until she gets used to having just me as company. I gave him a kiss for everyone that asked me to before he left as well. I’ll give him another for all my helpful friends before I bury him tomorrow too.
“In this beautiful life, there’s always some sorrow. It’s a double edged knife but there’s always tomorrow.”
I’m the luckiest girl in the world. Mom had a change of heart and told me if Indi’s still like this tomorrow, she’ll pay to put him down. The other reason I’m so lucky is that I have one of the most amazing people as a friend, who was willing to pay $300 for the emergency call to get an off duty vet to the clinic, plus a taxi drive there even though I told her it was too much and I couldn’t pay her back. Before she paid, my mom said she would do it tomorrow. I spent all day wondering if I should feed Indi or not, give him water or not, cleaning shit off of him, manually stretching his wings so they won’t cramp, and even looking up humane ways to kill him myself. But I finally have the answer now that mom changed her mind. I knew Indi couldn’t live a life of me hand feeding him, sleeping in his own shit, unable to exercise or anything, and still call myself an animal rescuer/ lover or anything like that. That’s why I thought giving him water so he wouldn’t be thirsty when he died was best. Then I thought, even though if I did that, it would just prolong his starvation. I thought of giving him too much meletonine (a sleep aid I use) with apple sauce, so he would go to sleep, have a full belly, then die. I even thought of snapping his neck but of course that usually just paralyses them and I didn’t want him to have ANY fear when he died. I even thought of wrapping him up cozily and covering his head, so he would relax, then dropping a cinder block on his head. Never in my life, have I had to think of so many ways to kill an animal I LOVE. I feel like I’m not allowed to say I love him after even googling the best way to humanely kill a bird. Humane or not, I was going between thinking of different ways to get him to the vet (and finding a way to afford it)and searching up the best way to kill him myself. Zulu is still panicking and trying to make him get up by chirping at him from her cage. She’s also trying to get my attention (even though I already know), to tell me something’s wrong. She freaks out and tosses her toy at me when I walk by to get me to look at her. I just keep apologizing and saying there’s nothing I can do. She’s ‘talking’ with him right now. Even though he’s wrapped up, on his back (so he can breathe), has poo all over his tail, and aching wings, he’s still lightly chirping to Zulu. I scratched Indi’s head every few minutes since Zulu couldn’t do it for him, gave him drops of water from a q-tip, and blew warm air into the cloth he’s wrapped in, and everything I could think of to keep him comfy, but without trying to prolong his death. I’ll clean him up again, make sure he’s warm, stretch his wings, and give him water once more before we go to sleep tonight, then get it over with tomorrow. Thanks to everyone who’s been talking to me through this and trying to give me comfort. You’ve all been a big help. I‘ll give Indi a kiss for you.
|So, I finally got Myles to the vet and he’s not in the best of shape, though the major issues are further down the line in his life. His heart murmur is still low because he’s so young but he has a light bacterial and fungal outbreak over his skin due to allergies I was unaware of. I bought a medicated shampoo while I was there so that is under control. The vet also told me contrary to popular belief, the surgery to fix his knee caps isn’t something to do later but something to prevent things like arthritis, which he is already showing signs of. He’s only 3 and a half. She doesn’t think he will live as long as most Maltese but I’d rather he have a short, comfortable life than a long, unhealthy one. Therefore, I’ve decided to get him his knee surgery as soon as I can. It is between $2000 and $2500 plus the money for him post-op wheelchair. As some of you know, I’m trying to get into the doTERRA business but for that I have to spend money to make money so handing over that much money right now is impossible. I’ve decided to ask for your help. If any of you would like to donate to help Myles get his surgery, please note me. Whether it 5 cents or a dollar, anything is a help.|
I love writing stories and drawing and my friend told me about DA so I couldn't help but make an account! It's kind of obvious I write a lot of yaoi too. My main hobby is cosplaying. It's tons of fun! I'm currently working on a Red XIII fursuit for the Animaritime. I also am working towards completing my goal of opening my own rescue ranch.|
Current Residence: NA
Favourite genre of music: country
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Favourite style of art: good old fashion pencil and paper or digital art/animation.
Operating System: UA
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Favourite cartoon character: tsume from wolf's rain
Personal Quote: "depression dies before you do."